September 30, 1957 my dad, Max Wayne Haston was born! I have seen the date written numerous places today. It’s amazing how particular dates stick out to you more than others.
This time last year I was in a very dark and sad place when it came time for my dad’s birthday. Last year was the first one since he had passed away. The night before I went and got my comfort food, McDonald’s, locked myself in my room, and cried for hours. It was one of the worst nights during that first year without dad. Here is an excerpt from my journal from this time last year…
“[To God] I’m so mad at you! What is the point of all this? I know dad wouldn’t want this, but I don’t know what else to do! All that’s left of my dad is a box…one little box. I’m so angry that I have those last memories of him sick. I don’t want this life…do you hear me? This isn’t what I wanted! I don’t understand how this happened…this is real. This is my life…and I HATE it! I HATE it! I want this fixed and there’s NOTHING that can be done…that is such a helpless feeling!”
When I read through that old entry this morning I just kept thinking what a different place I’m in now. Those words are dripping with despair and anger. I remember thinking that night that there was no possible way things would ever get any better and that I would just end up feeling that way forever.
Now 365 days later…things are a whole lot brighter!
I woke this morning with the biggest smile because I was given the most amazing gift last night that I never even asked for. Last night I had a dream with my dad in it! I woke up and could still see his face, his smile, feel his hug, and hear his voice. I can’t remember the last time I dreamed about him. In the dream we were at this huge family thing and he just kept following me around everywhere. Usually when I dream about dad in the dream he’s there and we’re interacting, but I’m always aware that it’s a dream and that he is gone in real life. However, in this dream I wasn’t aware of it so it made it that much better! There have been several times since losing dad that I'll go to bed and ask God to let me dream about him. It was a great reminder today to see how the Lord knows exactly what I need even when I don't and lavishes gifts on His children at just the right time.
Today my journal entry had more to do with being thankful for the dad I was given and remembering him. There have been no tears today and for that I’m thankful. I want today to be a happy day!
So tonight to celebrate my daddy’s life I will be dining at Red Lobster…his and our family’s favorite!
Happy Birthday Dad...I love you!
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