Trying To Make Sense

I was here for really less than a week and my mind is overloaded with thoughts, questions, prayers, affirmation, and even a little bit of confusion.  It amazes me that our mind can hold all of those things at one time.

I’m sitting at the airport and have another three and a half hours until my first of two flights home.  This week turned out to be exactly what I had hoped that it would be…

• It reminded me of my heart for being in other cultures
•  It affirmed my calling as a teacher
• Tugged at my heart concerning orphans and adoption
• Connected me with some amazing people based in the US and in Haiti, as well, for future possibilities
• Made me question how I live my day to day life in Texas
• Showed me yet again how the Lord has His timing and true gain comes after the struggle with patience

Ever since I was in Indonesia I’ve wanted to go back and live there or in another country sometime again.  This week one thought that kept coming back to my mind was, “I want to live somewhere.”  I don’t want to come for a week and be busy with going, seeing, and doing and coming home to a suitcase and a return flight waiting a few days away.  One of the scariest things for me in Indonesia was when I unpacked and put my suitcase away knowing that it would be months before I needed that again.  I struggled with just living life there and not being on a “mission trip” and how differently those look sometimes.  I want the life and not a trip.  I want to go somewhere and put the suitcases away and live.  I want to get into a routine that matches that of the culture.  I want to build relationships more than surface level with the people of the culture and call them my friend.  I want to speak a different language…just maybe an easy one to learn!  I want all of those things and you can’t find those in a week somewhere.

I remember when I was leaving for Indonesia and was so unbelievably freaked out…I mean I was a nervous wreck.  I kept thinking, “Why me?  Why do I have to have this call on my life?  How come my friends are called to stay home and do work or school?”  I was almost angry that the Lord had called me to Indonesia for a year.

Now I’m begging Him to send me back and pleading for Him to not do the most dreaded thing…call me to stay in Dallas.

How did those become my desires?  That’s not what I remember envisioning when I was a little girl, or in high school, and really not even in college.

But then I’m reminded of how I’ve always prayed and longed for the extraordinary life and have been afraid of what I deemed to be an ordinary life.  The Lord has answered that prayer in a way that I didn’t anticipate when I first started praying it and it is far better than what I had originally cooked up for my life.

I guess this is a glimpse into how the Lord takes my desires, lines them up with His, and provides in the most unbelievable ways.

I have no idea how the Lord will use this trip to Haiti.  I am beyond grateful to have experienced yet another culture and met some amazing ladies along the way.  I’m thankful to have seen the ministries and how they are working.  They have encouraged me to dream and pray BIG things because the Lord can and will do them!  I’m thankful for another reminder that my life is not about me and making myself happy…my life is a gift from the Lord and I was designed for His glory and not my own.

Thanks Haiti…you were just what I needed!