I'd been thinking all day about how he wouldn't call me tomorrow, but hadn't really gotten full on upset about it yet...it was only a thought. Then this afternoon I tried to hook my new printer up and after about a hour it wouldn't work. That one little glitch in my day set me into a downward spiral. It's amazing how one thing going wrong can automatically make me think about my dad. Since my laptop was there and I guess since I thought I wasn't upset enough I decided to open up and read what I spoke at his funeral. That of course led me into a funk that has now lasted all night filled with lots of crying, journaling, numbing myself with the drama that is the Real Housewives of New Jersey, more crying, and finally when I couldn't take it any longer a drive up and down 75 crying and yelling at God.
I've learned that grief changes everything. Because of it bad days can't be just bad days anymore. Now they can become potential for devastating days that lead me into an emotional funk that can last up to a couple of days. Birthdays are no longer something that I look forward to because they are now days that are even a bigger reminder that my dad isn't here.
I've done a real good job lately of being ok with everything and even recognizing more beautiful things that have come out of losing him, but this birthday has brought it all back to reality for me. My dad is gone and I'll spend all day wishing for a phone call that will never come.
Deep down I know this day will pass and this won't hurt as bad in a couple of days...I know my God is here...I know my dad is in a better place...I know all of those things. But right now tonight...I want to curl up with my dad's quilt and be a little girl who misses her daddy.
Tomorrow I will enjoy the day.
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